Be careful what you pretend to be

In middle school when everyone was reading Kurt Vonnegut because he was a relatively deep, interesting author that was nonetheless accessible to young minds, I wrote one on his quotes on my wall that stayed there well into college. It read: “Be careful what you pretend to be, because you are what you pretend to be.” Although this is a bit cliche, reflecting on this idea has served me well in the domain of medicine since so often I am just pretending to be a doctor. I have to pay attention because the habits, manerisms, and knowledge that I display now are the kind of doctor that I will be. I have been thinking about this recently in the Maternite because there is not always a lot of supervision of the work there and I get to make decisions somewhat on my own. Thus the habits that I am developing in examining patients, in doing pre-natal consultations, and in doing deliveries are the habits that will shape the kind of doctor that I am. I think about this every time I do something new, like rupture an amniotic sac yesterday afternoon, that the way I do this now may be the way that I do it for the rest of my life. Or at least for some time. It is a wonderful and frightening feeling at the same time.

In other random musings, I think that living in a foreign country for so long has been an impetus for me to reject received notions of my tastes and limitations. In short, Gabon has helped me to work through some of my fears and dislikes. For example, before I came here I would have sworn to you that cheesecake makes me vomit. But at the American house in Libreville, I ate two pieces of cheesecake, and it was delicious. I have been eating mayonaise on fish and omelettes for dinner (when there is not a good vegetarian option) the whole time I have been here. Those three foods are things I would have told you are repulsive to me before Gabon. Interestingly, it turns out that is not the case here.

My greatest triumph over my formed ideas of myself and my limitations occurred today though: I gave blood! Pre-Gabon, I would have told you that I was not someone who could donate, that I would faint, or be anemic, or just not tolerate the procedure. But I was wrong. I guess that my food and blood limitations are the corrollary to the notion that you are what you pretend to be. Even if you pretend to be something, and it starts to become a part of you, it does not mean that you can't pretend to be something else later on.